Out of my Hands

ALT: I don’t have endometriosis. But Ellie Hayes does.

As an author, you never know what readers will take away from your book. You know what you'd like them to get from the story, and you might even have a goal in mind when you start writing, but once the book is out in the world, you no longer have any control over that.

When A Certain Appeal released in 2021, I was lucky to chat with a few online book clubs that selected ACA not long after my pub date. I joined their Zoom meetings and got to hear from them firsthand, which was a lot of fun, especially for a shameless praisehound like myself. The conversations had tended to cover a lot of the same territory; the book is a Pride and Prejudice retelling, so we'd cover “my” versions of the characters and who in my life inspired them, which scenes I chose to adapt and why, and details about my experience in the NYC burlesque scene, which is where I’d set the story. If anyone had a favorite character, it was Ming Dynasty, and every meeting, I'd have to admit that I prefer the 2005 film adaptation over the 1996 mini-series. I love them both, but the '05 Lizzie and Darcy are so inconvenienced by how hot they are for one another! Plus, Donald Southerland? Mr. Collins and the potatoes? THE Dame Judy Dench? Perfection.

God bless hot glue and fashion tape

Last month, I had the pleasure of attending LoveLitCon in San Diego. It was my first author convention andit was an absolutely fantastic time. I dressed up like a showgirl and danced with my fellow geriatric millennials to WANNABE! I was interviewed by Talk Wordy Podcast! I got to hand-sell my books to attendees, and hand-sign copies!

This was also the first time I’ve had the opportunity to speak with readers about Himbos. I've read reviews (five stars only; I'm not a masochist) and have had readers DM, and it's meant even more this time around. Because while there was plenty of “me” in A Certain Appeal, Himbos was much more personal. The story was inspired by a dear friend’s breakup, a specific medical scare I’d experienced, my fitness journey/mid-30s transformation into gymrat ladybeast, and living next door to a bunch of undergrad guys who occasionally couldn’t be bothered to go back into their house for a #1 (my second floor overlooks their backyard. They eventually figured this out).

It’s been such a treat having readers reach out to tell me what they enjoyed most about the story, from who their favorite himbo was, to, “They gave me cheese!” to, and this is a particular thrill, sharing that the book inspired them to start lifting heavier. I did that! Music to a gymrat ladybeast’s ears!

But most moving has been the number of readers who have shared their endometriosis experiences with me. I don’t want to misrepresent myself; I don’t have the condition. Ellie’s portrayal comes from research and firsthand accounts from patients, not me. It wasn't even in my original plan. When I started writing Himbos, the catalyst for the plot was going to be Ellie’s MS scare. Having lived through it myself, I can say with some authority that spending two weeks blind in one eye and waiting out a six month diagnosis window for a potentially debilitating nerve condition is a pretty life-altering situation. However, it wasn’t quite enough for the story I wanted to tell. So I gave Ellie endometriosis.

It wasn’t a condition I knew much about, which, ha-ha!; neither does the medical community! But I needed Ellie to already have a complicated relationship with her body long before the possibility of MS is introduced. When she starts working out at Firehouse, it’s the first time in her adult life that she’s focused on what her body can do, instead of how it holds her back.

When Ellie and Ian finally give in to their attraction, things get physical quickly, resulting in what my gym buddy Duncan referred to as a “provocative nap,” which is amazing phrasing and speaks to his talent as a stand-up comedian. It’s also when Ellie explains the condition to Ian. And while she holds off from detailing the emotional toll endometriosis has had on her and past relationships (all things in time!), Ian is understanding and more than happy to accommodate. He’s actually quite lovely about it, as you can see :)

Yes, I took a screenshot of my proof pages. This one needed " after pleasure.

Online, readers have pointed out that while they appreciated seeing a book with a main character with endometriosis at all, they were particularly moved that Ellie's story wasn't reduced to a fertility struggle. One reader at LoveLitCon thanked me for that specifically. He was a medical professional, and said that it was such a relief to finally see endometriosis being lived with, where the focus was on how the character moved through her life with the condition, whether having to plan ahead for sex or simply acknowledging the relentless pain mitigation. To him, the story was about what Ellie was doing, that her time at the gym emphasized her body could do more, and wasn’t fixated on what her body couldn’t do. I could have cried.

Cole, thank you for coming by my signing table and sharing that with me. It’s exactly what I hoped readers would get from the book! And I’m so, so sorry that Ellie’s awful ex-boyfriend shares your name.

I was also thanked by someone who hadn’t even read the book. And this time, I did cry.

See? Inspired!

At the convention, the signing tables were lined up in rows, and volunteers were tasked with crowd control, directing the lines of folks seeking to get their books signed in a way that didn’t block foot traffic. My area was unburdened by such popularity, so our volunteer got to stroll the aisle, chatting with authors and asking about our books. I told her about A Certain Appeal, and gave one of my abbreviated pitches for Himbos. I then excused myself to visit the very fancy port-o-potty, which someone on the LoveLit staff labeled “LoveLit Loo” and I maintain that that person deserves a raise.

When I got back to my table, the volunteer was holding my display copy of Himbos.

“She has endometriosis.”

I nodded. Yes! Sometimes when I give my Himbos summary, I don’t mention that, but it is on the back cover.

“I have endometriosis,” she continued. And her eyes welled. It had taken her two years to get diagnosed. She’d been told it was all in her head, or that the pain couldn’t possibly be as bad as she’d made it out to be, and disregarded and ignored until only recently.

As she blinked back tears, I pulled a napkin from my backpack. “Here! It’s good one. It’s from Germany!”

“What—why do you have a napkin form Germany?”

Good question.

I then got to explain that my family had gone to Germany over Christmas, or, really, we were in Switzerland over Christmas, but went to Munich after, which is where the napkin had come from. The pork knuckles at Haxengrill had been so good, we went twice, and also they had really nice paper napkins. And I have a habit of swiping extra napkins from restaurants when they’re the really good ones. Which is probably all I should have said in the first place.

She accepted the storied napkin. She used it to dab at her eyes, at which point two salt packets fell from somewhere in the napkin’s folds.

I also carry salt packets with me everywhere. I call it “purse salt.”

I am a very normal person.

And I have turned this moment into a farce.

But we hugged and took a photo with the forsaken napkin, and chatted and cried. She also has a friend who has endometriosis and MS, so to have found Himbos, which deals with both, felt like serendipity. On her break, she made the trek to the Barnes and Noble pop-up to buy copies for herself and her friend, and I signed them. And then rigged my own contest to gift her the Himbo giveaway box I’d brought to the conference to lure folks to joining my Instagram. She picked the Hansel candle. This was an excellent call.

Frankie, it was a joy to meet you. Thank you for putting up with the absolute clown show I turned our meeting into. You are a trooper.

Now, as I'm closing in on book three, I'm wondering what readers will take away from the story. I'm not putting a twist on a classic via a glittering world of striptease and fan-dancing. And while Leda, in many ways, views her body as a liability, just as Ellie does, I can't say that readers will immediately sympathize with her.

But that's not really up to me, anyway ;)

March is endometriosis awareness month. Worldwide, it affects more than one in ten people born with a uterus. On average, it takes seven to ten years for a person to be diagnosed, and 75% of patients are misdiagnosed. It has been listed as one of the twenty most painful conditions a person can have.

Currently, there is no cure.

There is five times more research on erectile dysfunction than there is on endometriosis.